A Start

Monday, August 4, 2008

Let me make something clear. I am very happy. In fact, too happy, disgustingly-corny-happy with my home life.

However the only aspect in my life (aside from my job) that bugs me is my weight. Right now at 25 I'm sitting at 220. This is the only thing that brings me down mentally. I was never a skinny girl, always some junk in the trunk (thanks genes). In high school the only reason I was thin was due to what I called an eating disorder (for a couple years from 8a-3p all I had was a Fruitopia, couldn't eat in front of other people), but after that faded here come the pounds. I think from my genes I'm predetermined to be heavy, but this blog is gonna help me fight the mental battle. I'm going to be gross, lewd, and honest with myself, so if you no likey then bye bye.

Thing is, I don't think that I look that bad, till I see pictures. When I walk around I feel tall, and not too fat, I don't think I'm that wide, everything is looking good. But then I see a video or picture of myself and I'm just flabbergasted...maybe I have a good mental body image of myself, I just don't think I look that way, but I do, gotta be honest.

The diet is mainly what gets me down. I love everything evil. Pastas, pastries, snacks, my downfall. PORTION SIZE. Good lord I can put it down. Don't know when to stop, eating till uncomfortably full, etc. We also go out to eat A LOT. I'm a decent cook but not as good as any restaurant. I crave stuff like crazy. And if we do go out, appetizer, entree, sometimes dessert, thousands of calories, then I go home and sit or nap. Sickening.

Also I LOVE the couch and my TV and video games. God what else is there to do? So after high school, I've been working on 7 years of couch laying and yummy carbs. It's hard to be motivated when you're so in love and he tells you you're hot stuff all the time. It's like an alternate universe where you just eat when you're happy and happy when you eat.

Acid reflux and chondromalacia came because of the weight. Problems: arms, legs, butt, stomach, the usuals. Though one thing I'll miss is my boobs, god I have some rocking tits. They were always small when I was skinny though, I hope they stick around.

So after many tears and looking in the mirror and only myself to blame, I have to change something. Diabetes and thyroid issues run in my family and I'm scared to death of facing any kind of health problems.

What's going to go on here is I'm going to blog everyday what I'm eating, in hopes that the guilt of having to write a ton of stuff will keep me from eating it in the first place. I'm going to talk about how I'm feeling, any exercise I did, etc. Boring stuff for the reader but important for me.

My target ideal weight is 180. 40 lbs. I'm not wanting it to come off fast, just some progress towards that would be nice. I think that's a nice healthy weight for me.

180 I think is also going to signify a turnaround, 180 degrees. Let's turn away from all these bad habits and bingeing and fix me.